I asked him, "I just want to know if you see me being anything more than a fuck buddy." He replied, "I dunno, I want to be in my career before I start dating again."

I wasn't surprised.  I wasn't really hurt, but it didn't feel good either.

I don't really have much else to say about it right now. At least it's over.

I met Troy in 2004 through MySpace. He was everything that I look for in a man; athletic, confident, smart, well-liked, adored by other women... Odd, right? Liking men who are lusted after by loads of other women? I think it's my way of proving to myself that I am attractive. If I can get the man that everyone wants, then that MUST mean there is something about me that is better than those other chicks.... Right?... That is my validation, anyway, but I always end up feeling like that turd clogging up the toilet in a public restroom when these men get done with me.

Anyway, back to the story... one of us randomly added the other. At this point I don't really remember who added who, but it probably was me looking desperate as ever. We talked online and on the phone although he was 2 hours away at a different college at the time. He never led me on, and I liked that. Even after we met in person, he never played games with me. He told me upfront that he liked me, but that he wouldn't be in a committed relationship because, after all, we were both in college away from each other, and what 19 and 20 year old can stop the temptation of a drunken hookup when their significant other is way more than a phone call away. Unfortunately, it backfired and made me want him even more.

We've continued this on again - off again sexual relationship for 4 years now. It's different than a normal friends with benefits thing, though. At least thats how I feel. When we get together the chemistry is so great and we're so comfortable with one another. We're honest about how we feel, and we've never argued. Neither of us has ever gotten pissed at the other when someone came into one of our lives leaving us apart until we were both single again. Not that it wasn't painful because, believe me, i've spent nights crying, just hoping that he could be mine and no one elses. *le sigh*

Here's where everything gets thrown for a loop... He's finally, completely done with his education and just moved home last week. We'd been in touch every day  for the last couple of months through text and a random phone call here and there. Both of us have just been dying to see one another again, and this weekend the time finally came. We take turns going to see one another, so it was my turn to go to him this time.

I woke up early on Sunday because he had text me on Saturday saying he wanted me to come right then and there, but since I couldn't could I PLEASE come as early as possible on Sunday (the day we had planned to get together). I got all dolled up, dressed to kill with butterflies tagging along in my stomach. I get to his house and there he stood in basketball shorts with no shirt, muscles rippling all over his rock-hard body. The first words out of his mouth are, "i've excited since you called to say you were on your way." That's when i melted into a puddle of love on the floor. But really, I melted inside, but was still secretly upset that i had gone to the trouble to look so cute and he was standing there barely out of the shower.

We hug and go sit together on the couch. He stares me in my eyes and goes on about how i went all out and how good i looked. I was torn between flattery and embarrassment that I had gone so far out of the way and he didn't even put a shirt on for me. Still, I couldn't be mad at him. I mean, this guy turns me into a babbling baby. He charms the pants off of me; literally and figuratively.

We spent the day watching movies and talking... with intermissions of the best sex of our lives (admitted by both parties). I often wonder, though, if thats why he keeps coming back. He makes it perfectly clear that I have the best vagina he's ever had the pleasure of knowing, but again I'm torn between flattery and insecurity that he only wants me for sex. I feel like the most insecure person in the world around him, but I still feel like I MUST be the sexiest woman alive for him to keep choosing me.

I feel like such a little school girl. I'm too old for this. I shouldn't have to sit around and wonder how he feels about me. It's just that we have all of this good sex every time we see each other, but we don't go out and do things. I mean, I understand that every time we see each other we have been apart more about 6 months each time so we're automatically in the throws of passion the second we see one another again. I just hope that now that he's home for good that we can make this into more, but at the same time I am so scared because I don't know if he feels the same way about it. I mean, there is a lot of sex, but he does the little intimate things with me too; like last night he pulled me in close and held my hand as we were falling asleep. The problem is, I'm too scared to ask him. I seriously don't know if I would rather just be used by him and wonder if I'm being used, or if it would be better to find out that I am being used and be heartbroken. I guess, there is always the possibility that I'll get what I want and he'll want to make this into more soon, but in the back of my mind i feel like he will never see me as more than a piece of ass.

I'm worth so much more than to feel this way, but there is just something that makes me unable to stay away from him! I know it is because he is sexy as sin (physically and mentally), but I should be able to have some self control and stay away from him if this is unhealthy, right? I just don't have the will power to have "the talk" with him because I fear that my brain will tell me i need to let him go and find someone that is better for me emotionally.

I really am fucked up in the head. I literally put myself through this and then complain about it or feel hurt.... I just don't know how to approach the situation with him. People keep telling me to wait a while and see how things pan out now that he's home, but now that I've seen him I am so impatient. I really have no clue what to do, but most likely I will be waiting around for him to call me and getting no sleep over it when it takes him a week to even text me. ugh. I make myself sick thinking about it.... I hope someone had the patience to read this and drop me some advice because i really need some help here.

'Til tomorrow...